Death is a part of life. Whether you’re planning for the end of a life, navigating a recent loss or remembering a loved one, Jewish rituals are designed to bring you peace and comfort during these challenging times. Learn about sitting shiva, explore Jewish funeral customs and blessings, and find end-of-life rituals that feel right for you and your family.
Learn more about Jewish rituals to honor the
end of a life
Coming to terms with our own mortality can help us better appreciate the life we have today. The Torah teaches us to “choose life,” and that it is never too early to communicate our end-of-life wishes to the important people in our lives. Though it may feel easier to avoid these difficult conversations, when we neglect them, we risk falling into crisis when the inevitable happens.
“Shiva” literally means “seven” in Hebrew, as in the seven days of mourning following a burial. Children, spouses, siblings, and parents of the deceased are traditionally obligated to sit shiva. During a shiva period, Jewish mourners stay at home while their family and friends take care of their basic needs by sending or preparing food, and visiting to offer comfort. The idea is to give mourners the time and space they need to process their grief and cope with the recent loss.
There are certain rules and traditions that are typically followed during a shiva. For example, the front door is left open for those paying a condolence visit and the mourner is exempt from needing to greet guests during shiva. Visitors typically bring food for the mourners, and eggs are eaten at the first meal following burial because they symbolize life. All mirrors in the shiva home are covered, as mourners are unconcerned with vanity during this period. Mourners also do not wear shoes (though they may wear slippers), while visitors who are not in mourning keep their shoes on. Mourners often sit on low stools or chairs, as they are experiencing grief and are likely not comforted by material objects such as plush couches and chairs. After shiva ends, it is customary for mourners to take a walk around the block to signify reentry into the world before actually returning to work and other worldly tasks. For more, take a look at our Shiva Ritual.
Yizkor is a prayer of remembrance that is recited four times a year in Jewish tradition, often as a community, to collectively remember and honor those who are no longer with us. It is said on Yom Kippur, and on each of the three “pilgrimage” holidays: the last day of Passover, the second day of Shavuot in the diaspora and the first day of Shavuot in Israel, and on Shemini Atzeret. Yizkor is generally recited following the Torah service, while the Torahs are still out of the ark during the morning service in a synagogue. For more, download our Yizkor Ritual.
Jewish burial ceremonies typically happen within 24 hours of someone dying. They are usually closed casket services that take place at a funeral home, a synagogue, or graveside. Jewish funerals are most often officiated by a rabbi, but can also be led by others, and they are a time to say prayers, blessings, and give a eulogy. It is common for mourners and attendees to participate in the burial by helping to shovel soil onto the casket after it is lowered into the ground–this provides loved ones with an opportunity to say goodbye and find closure so that the grieving process may begin.
An unveiling ceremony is an opportunity to return to a grave and “uncover” a headstone. It typically happens around one year following a death to mark the formal end of the grieving process, but can be done at any time earlier or later than that. Unveiling ceremonies do not have a set liturgy or traditional ritual, but many people choose to recite kaddish in the presence of 10 Jewish adults over the age of 13, and may also recite, or substitute if there are fewer than 10 Jewish adults present, the El Maleh Rachamim memorial prayer.
Prior to the ceremony, the headstone is covered with a cloth, and then during the ceremony the cloth is removed. Some may use a cloth that has personal meaning, sometimes a tablecloth or a scarf that belonged to the deceased. Following the unveiling, those in attendance often place a rock or pebble on the headstone instead of flowers. You may wish to gather for a meal after, similar to the meal of consolation following a funeral. Some have the custom of washing the hands (without a blessing) upon exiting the cemetery, or upon arriving home after having visited a cemetery.
A yahrzeit is the anniversary of a Jewish death. To honor a yahrzeit, it is traditional to say kaddish and to light a 24-hour candle. Some may sponsor a meal at synagogue in memory of their loved one on or near the anniversary; others may mark the day at home with the sharing of stories about the one who has died, or studying Jewish texts in their memory, or even eating their favorite foods. The Yahrzeit is generally observed on the date of the death according to the Hebrew lunar calendar, with the day beginning and ending at sundown. For more ways to honor a yahrzeit, download our Yahrzeit Ritual.
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Secular-Friendly Mourners' Kaddish Translation by Rabbi David Cooper
There is an eternal essence that persists in time and space —
and this is our prayer to make it part of our awareness
by affirming its persistence and pledging ourselves
to act to advance the promise it holds of a better world;
may it be soon and in our days. Amen.
Let the great essence be blessed through all our actions!
Whether it be blessed or praised or honored or exalted,
we affirm that it is far beyond any expression which we use to describe it —
prayer or song, prose or poem — and we say: Amen
We express our hopes for peace and for life upon us and upon all people. Amen.
May the harmony we experience as we gaze toward heaven
be reflected in a harmony between all who dwell on the planet:
Israelite, Ishmaelite, and all creatures upon this holy earth, and we say: Amen.
From: Beside Still Waters, available for download and purchase.
אֵל מָלֵא רַחֲמִים, שׁוֹכֵן בַּמְּרוֹמִים, הַמְצֵא מְנוּחָה נְכוֹנָה עַל כַּנְפֵי הַשְּׁכִינָה, בְּמַעֲלַת קְדוֹשִׁים וּטְהוֹרִים כְּזֹהַר הָרָקִיעַ מַזְהִירִים, אֶת נִשְׁמַת (שם הנפטר בן שם אביו) שֶׁהָלַךְ לְעוֹלָמוֹ, בַּעֲבוּר שֶׁבְּלִי נֶדֶר אֶתֵּן צְדָקָה בְּעַד הַזְכַּרַת נִשְׁמָתוֹ, בְּגַן עֵדֶן תְּהֵא מְנוּחָתוֹ, לָכֵן בַּעַל הָרַחֲמִים יַסְתִּירֵהוּ בְּסֵתֶר כְּנָפָיו לְעוֹלָמִים, וְיִצְרוֹר בִּצְרוֹר הַחַיִּים אֶת נִשְׁמָתוֹ, יְיָ הוּא נַחֲלָתוֹ, וְיָנוּחַ עַל מִשְׁכָּבוֹ בְּשָׁלוֹם. וְנֹאמַר אָמֵן.
El Maleh Rachamim, shocheyn bam’romim, ham-tzay m’nucha n’chona al kanfei Hash’china, b’ma-alot kedoshim utehorim k’zo-har haraki-a mazhirim, et nishmat (Name of the Deceased) she-halcha l-olomoh, ba-avur shenodvu tzedakah b’ad hazkarat nishmatah. B’Gan Ayden t’hay menuchatah; la-chayn Ba-al Harachamim yas-tire-ha besayter k'nafav l’olamim, v’yitz-ror bitz-ror hacha-yim et nishmatah, Ado-nay Hu na-chalatah, v’tanu-ach b’shalom al mishkavah. V’nomar: Amen.
God, full of compassion, dwelling as uplift and within, grant perfect rest under Your sheltering Presence, among the holy and pure who shine with heavenly splendor, to the soul of our dear one who has gone to his/her/their reward. May the Garden of Eternity be his/her/their rest. Please, Power of Compassion, shade him/her/them in the shadow of Your wing forever. May his/her/their soul be bound in the bonds of eternal life. May Adonai be his/her/their inheritance, and may he/she/they rest in peace. And let us say, Amen.
Source: Adapted from Sefaria Community Translation by Rabbi Melanie Levav
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
El Maleh Rachamim, Adapted by Rabbi Melanie Levav
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Today surprised me--
the sun and skies of blue shading
almost translucent,
almost too bright,
studded with clouds
that wandered in stately lines
invisible to the naked eye
and the grieving heart.
It beckoned, this day
of surprises and shaded blueness.
I thought it would be warm;
It's certainly bright enough,
clear enough,
and from my window,
there are still leaves of green
that cling to their branches,
so it could be a different day
entirely.
It could be a day in spring,
where the wind still carries
a quiet note of cold.
and you waited.
wrapped in stillness.
while I walked through
gardens just at the bursting point,
and blossoms spilled their
scent of life,
all green and yellow and white,
making the air heavy
and light at the same time.
I collected the dew
and a spray of flowers
for your table.
And you laughed,
and pressed a kiss upon my lips.
It could be that day,
but this day has surprised me,
its colors and leaves framed
so neatly by my window,
but there are things carried in this
day, invisible to the naked eye
and a grieving heart.
There are no wildflowers
to collect along the way,
and the grass is stiff with frost.
My step is much slower,
a stumbling gait,
hesitating and halting.
Slowly, oh so slowly
with love and tender grace
I lay a spray of flowers
upon your grave,
a surprising note of color, just
visible to my grieving heart.
- by Stacey Zisook Robinson z”l
___
Shared with permission from ReformJudaism.org
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
Kaddish Yatom, a Poem for the Mourner’s Kaddish by Stacey Zisook Robinson z”l
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I’m thinking of you today, my _______,
because this is the last day
of saying daily Kaddish for you.
I have enjoyed this obligation.
It has been both sad and sweet,
To make time for thoughts of you each day.
It has been a time of standing with my fellow
congregants,
and laying out those rhythmic words: Yitgadal
v’yitkadash.
A time of wishing you release from Gehenna;
Of feeling somehow close to you,
and part of the process of burning off
all but the best of memories.
I am a mourner. I have been.
Today, I shift, though, from grief to memorial.
From current pain to memory past.
I have done what I could do for you, my _________.
Today, you are free to move on to God.
May your blessed neshamah go in peace.
-by Rabbi Avivah Erlick
—
Originally published in Laments & Kavannot for The Journey, produced for Kavod V’Nichum’s annual North America Chevra Kadisha Conference and shared with author’s permission.
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
Last Day of Saying Kaddish for the First Year of Mourning by Rabbi Avivah Erlick
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In memory of Roberta and Michael Laric z”l
Aharon was silent in the face of death.
Sometimes there are no words
And sometimes words are all we have
To communicate
To commiserate
To comfort.
HaMakom yenachem etchem btoch sh’ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim
“May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion
And Jerusalem”
Falls so short
And yet the very formula
Grants grace
Giving us words to fill the silence
Linking our discomfort to the discomfort of ages
And ages of comforters
Standing at graveside
Sitting at shiva
Wishing we could do more.
Sometimes there are no words
And sometimes words are all we have
That and a hand on a shoulder
A tear in the throat
A heart overflowing
And the promise to come
When everyone else has left
So, though bereft,
The mourner is not abandoned.
-by Rabbi Susan Grossman
—
© Copyright. Rabbi Susan Grossman, 2022. Shared with author’s permission.
Aharon Was Silent in the Face of Death by Rabbi Susan Grossman
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Yahrzeit comes from the Yiddish words “yahr tzeit” or “year time.” This yearly anniversary of a death is a time to be in community to recite the Kaddish prayer and to light a special 24-hour yahrzeit candle. The Yahrtzeit is generally observed in Jewish time, on the Hebrew date of the death, with the day beginning and ending at sundown. Many funeral homes and synagogues calculate the annual English equivalent of the Hebrew date, or you can visit a website like Hebcal (https://www.hebcal.com/) to determine those dates.
While there is no other formal ritual for marking a yahrzeit, you may wish to weave the activities and prayers below into your annual observance of your loved one’s death.
Some people sponsor a meal at their synagogue in memory of their loved one on or near the anniversary. This is an opportunity for the broader circle of people who are remembering the person to reflect on their lives. Others may mark the day at home by sharing stories, studying Jewish texts in their memory, listening to their favorite music, or eating their favorite foods.
Clip source: The Shomer Collective
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