The Two-Minute Haggadah : A Passover service for the impatient, by Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. ( Heat soup now. )

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. ( Let brisket cool now. )

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.

If he'd parted the Red Sea—( Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now. )

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything. SERVE MEAL.

During Bareich we say thank you to god for the meal we just ate. After (in my family) my grandparents tell stories abut their lives and how during their honeymoon lots of crazy things happened to them (they are hilarious)

The Sorting Hat of Passover

                        You might belong in Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart.  They forge the path for those to come with justice, tzedek, from the start!

You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal.  Those patient ‘Puffs are true and unafraid of Middle Eastern turmoil!

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw if you’ve a ready mind.  Where those of wit and learning will always find chevruta in kind.

Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends.  Those cunning folks use any sources to achieve their Talmudic ends.

Though I must fulfill my duty and must divide the table every year; still I wonder whether sorting may not bring the end I fear.  Oh, know the Bible, read the Siddur, the warning with which history is fraught.  For our Seder is in danger from external deadly thought!  And we must stay united or we’ll crumble from within; I have told you, I have warned you, let the Jewish learning begin!

Share a special Seder memory

– special Passover tradition

– best moment at the old family Seder

– worst, or funniest Seder moment