Moving Forward After the Loss of a Partner
Preview
The Moment
It can be the beginning of a stage where you celebrate the wisdom you have learned in your journey so far, a stage where you discover new ways to share the compassion that flows from your experience.
The Time and Place
Gather people on or around a big birthday. It can take place wherever you want—your home, a restaurant, a park, a synagogue. Wherever you gather, set a table for a meal where each attendee has four cups at their place setting.
The People
Your chosen family and good friends. Be sure to let your guests know in advance that they will be invited to share stories and images of their own lives from childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle age and beyond.
Items
Four cups or glasses for each participant (or one each that can be rinsed out between drinkings)
Milk
Sangria
Champagne
Water
Some people may choose to mark their milestone birthday by immersing in a mikveh, or ritual bath. The text below may be shared privately by the rabbi or clergy with the celebrant.
We live in a world where celebrating a big birthday feels like a mixed blessing. But coming to this mikveh is an assertion that growing older is a blessing and a privilege, and that it can be the beginning of a new stage where you celebrate the wisdom and experience you have learned in your journey so far.
The mikveh is about embracing this journey… thinking about the wisdom you have already acquired in your journey so far and imagining the journey ahead. In the biblical story of God calling Avram and Sarai telling them that they should leave the comfort of where they were and go to a place that God will show them, they were already mature adults—mature adults, beginning the next stage of their journey Along the way they made a covenant with God, a promise.
At this big birthday I would like to invite you to think about what covenant, what promise you are ready to make—to God, to yourself, to those people closest to you. But first, just as they left behind something in order to be ready for their journey, I want you to think about something you have been carrying around with you that you are ready to let go of, something that might be too heavy to continue to carry. It could be a memory of having been hurt, or of something that you feel bad about, or some feeling of inadequacy, or some tension. You don’t have to share it with me or anyone, but you might find it helpful to write it down. In the mikveh it will wash away and make room for that promise you are now ready to make the next stage of your journey.
When God made the covenant with Avram and Sarai, their names were changed to Abraham and Sarah. Their new names contained the letter hey – God’s name. In some way this mikveh is about rebirth—you are giving birth to yourself as someone who is worthy to be viewed as an elder. I like the idea of your choosing a second Hebrew name to be added to the one you already have. So think about that too…. Is there a name you would like to add to yours, to symbolize this transformation?
With that, I offer three invitations:
1) What are you ready to let go of that has been weighing you down?
2) What promise do you want to make to God, to yourself, to the people closest to you as you enter this next stage of your journey?
3) Do you want to add a Hebrew middle name to your Hebrew name? Perhaps this name could derive from a character in the Bible with whom you resonate. Or you could think about a person who has influenced you, or whom you would like to honor or even whom you would like to emulate.
While Jewish tradition originally didn’t mark birthdays, we in North America do. Turning 18 or 21 conveys a new legal status and brings new privileges. Fifty-five brings membership in the AARP. Sixty-five brings the blessing of Medicare. As people grow older, and begin to accept that there is less time ahead than behind, all birthdays seem important, especially the decade ones. The ancient text Pirkei Avot teaches us, “at 50, able to give counsel; at 60 for zikna (wisdom that comes from life experience) at 70; for seyva (fullness of age); at 80, the age of gevurah (courage); at 90, a more frail body….
These ceremonies for a major birthday assert that growing older is a blessing and a privilege—and it certainly beats the alternative. In this booklet, we offer several rituals designed to mark a major birthday. The centerpiece ritual is the Wisdom Seder, which is modeled on Jewish practices around Passover and Tu B’Shevat. Along with the Wisdom Seder, you will also find suggestions for private and communal celebrations including writing an ethical will, mikveh immersion, testament of counsel, b-mitzvah, and others.
Once everyone is seated around a table with four cups at their place setting, a participant reads:
לִמְנ֣וֹת יָ֭מֵינוּ כֵּ֣ן הוֹדַ֑ע וְ֝נָבִ֗א לְבַ֣ב חׇכְמָֽה
Limnot yameinu kein hoda v’navi l’vav chochmah
Teach us to count our days rightly, that we may obtain a wise heart. (Psalm 90:12)
Next, the guest of honor reads the following:
I am growing older. Admitting that truth to myself and to you is complicated. In some ways I still feel that I am the 20-year-old I once was (or the 30-year-old, or the 40-year-old). And I also know that I am who I am now because of all the choices I have made along life's journey. This is a moment of looking back and of looking forward, and of claiming what I increasingly know to be true. I want to explore this with you, as I celebrate this birthday.
Taking inspiration from a Passover seder or a Tu b’Shevat seder, today we are celebrating a Wisdom Seder. On our table we have milk, sangria, champagne, and water, with four cups for each person. Please pour the milk into the first cup.
Our first cup represents childhood—over a cup of milk. Go around the table(s) and invite participants to share a story or a recollection of childhood that contributes to their sense of wisdom now.
Recite this blessing for milk:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
The second cup symbolizes the tween, teen, and young adult years—over a glass of sangria. Invite participants to share a story or an image of the tween, teen, and young adult years that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the sangria):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
The third cup honors our years of building an adult life, a family and our careers —over a glass of champagne. Invite participants to share a story or an image of building family and career that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the champagne):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch Atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
Finally, we celebrate this new stage of elderhood, over our fourth glass, a glass of water. Water, known for its life giving properties, represents ultimate clarity of vision.
Recite this blessing for water:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
A participant reads:
The traditional Jewish birthday blessing is “Ad meah v’esrim.” “May you live to be 120,” just as Moses did. Let’s join together with a contemporary reformulation which riffs off the Biblical verse that Sarah lived to be 100 years and 20 years and seven years instead of saying that Sarah lived 127 years. Why? The rabbis suggest that at 100 she was as youthful as she had been at 20 and at 20 she was as energetic as she had been at seven.
Together we say:
Ad meah k’esrim—may you live to be 100 as though you were 20—still, active, engaged, curious, and grateful.
To close, we recite the Shehecheyanu blessing, which is typically said at key milestone moments.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמָן הַזֶּה
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehecheyanu ve'kiymanu ve'higianu la-zman hazeh.
Holy One of blessing, whose Presence fills creation, You have kept us in life, sustained us, and brought us to this moment of a new beginning.
There are many ways to celebrate a milestone birthday. You might choose to celebrate with close family on a cruise or by arranging a pilgrimage to the place where your ancestors lived, whether Poland, Morocco, or Brooklyn. Or maybe by finishing that model train set in your basement where you have recreated 1950s Milwaukee. Or by sponsoring a meal at your synagogue or community center. Or you may choose to celebrate by writing an ethical will.
Ethical wills are not legally binding documents, but they are a powerful way to pass on your legacy through your cherished memories, core values and wishes for your loved ones’ future. It is an opportunity to share favorite stories, communicate the lessons you have learned and offer what you have found meaningful.
In The Forever Letter, Rabbi Elana Zaiman describes an ethical will:
“Most of us write a last will and testament to be assured of a home for our possessions. An increasing number of us write a living will to outline our wishes for end-of-life medical care. Yet how many of us write an ethical will? How many of us write a letter to those we leave behind passing on our ethical values and ideals? Isn't bestowing a spiritual legacy just as important? Ask anyone who has received such a letter, ‘What is the most meaningful possession you were left by someone close to you?’ That person will say, ‘The letter I found addressed to me in my father's safe deposit box,’ or ‘The letter my grandmother handed me a few years before she died.’”
Writing an ethical will is not about being a writer. Writing an ethical will is about being yourself, taking time to look deep into your soul, and into the souls of those you love. Writing an ethical will is about saying what matters to you most in words that reflect your pattern of speech. Your children, grandchildren, relatives, and friends should be able to hear your voice echo in their hearts as they read your words.
There are many ways to format your ethical will. If you need inspiration, consider these questions written by Shomer Collective, an organization devoted to positive death acceptance grounded in Jewish wisdom. Though these questions were originally designed to be answered in advance of the soul accounting we do on Yom Kippur, they may be used as a way to reflect on your life at any time of year. Keep revisiting and revising your ethical will until you feel it truly reflects your thoughts and feelings. And remember, this can be sensitive and emotional work. Please proceed with caution.
Question 1: Acknowledging Relationships. Think about the people who have figured prominently in your life in the last year. What are their names?
Question 2: Remembering Key Moments. Recall meaningful moments in your life that occurred in the last year. Can you describe them?
Question 3: Asking for Forgiveness. Write the names of the people who you may have hurt in the last year. How and when might you ask for their forgiveness?
Question 4: Forgiving Others or Moving Through the Hurt. Write the names of the people who have hurt you in the last year. How and when might you forgive them or move through the hurt?
Question 5: Saying Thank You. Write the names of the people in your life you wish to thank based on your life over the last year. Can you identify what they did for you, why you are thankful, and how and when you want to express your gratitude?
Question 6: Saying I Love You. Write the names of the people in your life for whom you have felt love in the last year. How and when might you express this love to them ahead of the new year?
Question 7: Saying Goodbye. What or who do you want to say goodbye to based on your life in the last year? What or who would you like to let go from the past year?
Once you have completed your ethical will, you may wish to share it during a milestone birthday celebration like the Wisdom Seder.
Testament of Counsel (Av/Em Eitza), created by Rabbi Paul Citrin, Main Line Reform Temple Elohim, PA
The synagogue would create an adult learning opportunity shared by a group of active older adults that would culminate in a group celebration.
An individual achieves Av/Em Eitza status by writing a [Testament of Counsel] …which addresses the important lessons he or she has learned in life—insights on human relationships, coping with hardship, and finding fulfillment—and the message one has tried to convey through life…Those who wish to become an Av/Em Eitza would study together (for 12 sessions) …with Ecclesiastes [as a starting point].
Excerpted from Paul Citrin’s chapter "A Testament to Growing Older: The Av/Am Eitza Program" in A Heart of Wisdom, ed. Susan Berrin.
Wise Aging Group
Other learning opportunities would be to establish a Wise Aging Group, using the book Wise Aging by Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal (Behrman House, 2015).
The Moment
It can be the beginning of a stage where you celebrate the wisdom you have learned in your journey so far, a stage where you discover new ways to share the compassion that flows from your experience.
The Time and Place
Gather people on or around a big birthday. It can take place wherever you want—your home, a restaurant, a park, a synagogue. Wherever you gather, set a table for a meal where each attendee has four cups at their place setting.
The People
Your chosen family and good friends. Be sure to let your guests know in advance that they will be invited to share stories and images of their own lives from childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle age and beyond.
Items
Four cups or glasses for each participant (or one each that can be rinsed out between drinkings)
Milk
Sangria
Champagne
Water
Some people may choose to mark their milestone birthday by immersing in a mikveh, or ritual bath. The text below may be shared privately by the rabbi or clergy with the celebrant.
We live in a world where celebrating a big birthday feels like a mixed blessing. But coming to this mikveh is an assertion that growing older is a blessing and a privilege, and that it can be the beginning of a new stage where you celebrate the wisdom and experience you have learned in your journey so far.
The mikveh is about embracing this journey… thinking about the wisdom you have already acquired in your journey so far and imagining the journey ahead. In the biblical story of God calling Avram and Sarai telling them that they should leave the comfort of where they were and go to a place that God will show them, they were already mature adults—mature adults, beginning the next stage of their journey Along the way they made a covenant with God, a promise.
At this big birthday I would like to invite you to think about what covenant, what promise you are ready to make—to God, to yourself, to those people closest to you. But first, just as they left behind something in order to be ready for their journey, I want you to think about something you have been carrying around with you that you are ready to let go of, something that might be too heavy to continue to carry. It could be a memory of having been hurt, or of something that you feel bad about, or some feeling of inadequacy, or some tension. You don’t have to share it with me or anyone, but you might find it helpful to write it down. In the mikveh it will wash away and make room for that promise you are now ready to make the next stage of your journey.
When God made the covenant with Avram and Sarai, their names were changed to Abraham and Sarah. Their new names contained the letter hey – God’s name. In some way this mikveh is about rebirth—you are giving birth to yourself as someone who is worthy to be viewed as an elder. I like the idea of your choosing a second Hebrew name to be added to the one you already have. So think about that too…. Is there a name you would like to add to yours, to symbolize this transformation?
With that, I offer three invitations:
1) What are you ready to let go of that has been weighing you down?
2) What promise do you want to make to God, to yourself, to the people closest to you as you enter this next stage of your journey?
3) Do you want to add a Hebrew middle name to your Hebrew name? Perhaps this name could derive from a character in the Bible with whom you resonate. Or you could think about a person who has influenced you, or whom you would like to honor or even whom you would like to emulate.
While Jewish tradition originally didn’t mark birthdays, we in North America do. Turning 18 or 21 conveys a new legal status and brings new privileges. Fifty-five brings membership in the AARP. Sixty-five brings the blessing of Medicare. As people grow older, and begin to accept that there is less time ahead than behind, all birthdays seem important, especially the decade ones. The ancient text Pirkei Avot teaches us, “at 50, able to give counsel; at 60 for zikna (wisdom that comes from life experience) at 70; for seyva (fullness of age); at 80, the age of gevurah (courage); at 90, a more frail body….
These ceremonies for a major birthday assert that growing older is a blessing and a privilege—and it certainly beats the alternative. In this booklet, we offer several rituals designed to mark a major birthday. The centerpiece ritual is the Wisdom Seder, which is modeled on Jewish practices around Passover and Tu B’Shevat. Along with the Wisdom Seder, you will also find suggestions for private and communal celebrations including writing an ethical will, mikveh immersion, testament of counsel, b-mitzvah, and others.
Once everyone is seated around a table with four cups at their place setting, a participant reads:
לִמְנ֣וֹת יָ֭מֵינוּ כֵּ֣ן הוֹדַ֑ע וְ֝נָבִ֗א לְבַ֣ב חׇכְמָֽה
Limnot yameinu kein hoda v’navi l’vav chochmah
Teach us to count our days rightly, that we may obtain a wise heart. (Psalm 90:12)
Next, the guest of honor reads the following:
I am growing older. Admitting that truth to myself and to you is complicated. In some ways I still feel that I am the 20-year-old I once was (or the 30-year-old, or the 40-year-old). And I also know that I am who I am now because of all the choices I have made along life's journey. This is a moment of looking back and of looking forward, and of claiming what I increasingly know to be true. I want to explore this with you, as I celebrate this birthday.
Taking inspiration from a Passover seder or a Tu b’Shevat seder, today we are celebrating a Wisdom Seder. On our table we have milk, sangria, champagne, and water, with four cups for each person. Please pour the milk into the first cup.
Our first cup represents childhood—over a cup of milk. Go around the table(s) and invite participants to share a story or a recollection of childhood that contributes to their sense of wisdom now.
Recite this blessing for milk:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
The second cup symbolizes the tween, teen, and young adult years—over a glass of sangria. Invite participants to share a story or an image of the tween, teen, and young adult years that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the sangria):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
The third cup honors our years of building an adult life, a family and our careers —over a glass of champagne. Invite participants to share a story or an image of building family and career that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the champagne):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch Atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
Finally, we celebrate this new stage of elderhood, over our fourth glass, a glass of water. Water, known for its life giving properties, represents ultimate clarity of vision.
Recite this blessing for water:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
A participant reads:
The traditional Jewish birthday blessing is “Ad meah v’esrim.” “May you live to be 120,” just as Moses did. Let’s join together with a contemporary reformulation which riffs off the Biblical verse that Sarah lived to be 100 years and 20 years and seven years instead of saying that Sarah lived 127 years. Why? The rabbis suggest that at 100 she was as youthful as she had been at 20 and at 20 she was as energetic as she had been at seven.
Together we say:
Ad meah k’esrim—may you live to be 100 as though you were 20—still, active, engaged, curious, and grateful.
To close, we recite the Shehecheyanu blessing, which is typically said at key milestone moments.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמָן הַזֶּה
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehecheyanu ve'kiymanu ve'higianu la-zman hazeh.
Holy One of blessing, whose Presence fills creation, You have kept us in life, sustained us, and brought us to this moment of a new beginning.
There are many ways to celebrate a milestone birthday. You might choose to celebrate with close family on a cruise or by arranging a pilgrimage to the place where your ancestors lived, whether Poland, Morocco, or Brooklyn. Or maybe by finishing that model train set in your basement where you have recreated 1950s Milwaukee. Or by sponsoring a meal at your synagogue or community center. Or you may choose to celebrate by writing an ethical will.
Ethical wills are not legally binding documents, but they are a powerful way to pass on your legacy through your cherished memories, core values and wishes for your loved ones’ future. It is an opportunity to share favorite stories, communicate the lessons you have learned and offer what you have found meaningful.
In The Forever Letter, Rabbi Elana Zaiman describes an ethical will:
“Most of us write a last will and testament to be assured of a home for our possessions. An increasing number of us write a living will to outline our wishes for end-of-life medical care. Yet how many of us write an ethical will? How many of us write a letter to those we leave behind passing on our ethical values and ideals? Isn't bestowing a spiritual legacy just as important? Ask anyone who has received such a letter, ‘What is the most meaningful possession you were left by someone close to you?’ That person will say, ‘The letter I found addressed to me in my father's safe deposit box,’ or ‘The letter my grandmother handed me a few years before she died.’”
Writing an ethical will is not about being a writer. Writing an ethical will is about being yourself, taking time to look deep into your soul, and into the souls of those you love. Writing an ethical will is about saying what matters to you most in words that reflect your pattern of speech. Your children, grandchildren, relatives, and friends should be able to hear your voice echo in their hearts as they read your words.
There are many ways to format your ethical will. If you need inspiration, consider these questions written by Shomer Collective, an organization devoted to positive death acceptance grounded in Jewish wisdom. Though these questions were originally designed to be answered in advance of the soul accounting we do on Yom Kippur, they may be used as a way to reflect on your life at any time of year. Keep revisiting and revising your ethical will until you feel it truly reflects your thoughts and feelings. And remember, this can be sensitive and emotional work. Please proceed with caution.
Question 1: Acknowledging Relationships. Think about the people who have figured prominently in your life in the last year. What are their names?
Question 2: Remembering Key Moments. Recall meaningful moments in your life that occurred in the last year. Can you describe them?
Question 3: Asking for Forgiveness. Write the names of the people who you may have hurt in the last year. How and when might you ask for their forgiveness?
Question 4: Forgiving Others or Moving Through the Hurt. Write the names of the people who have hurt you in the last year. How and when might you forgive them or move through the hurt?
Question 5: Saying Thank You. Write the names of the people in your life you wish to thank based on your life over the last year. Can you identify what they did for you, why you are thankful, and how and when you want to express your gratitude?
Question 6: Saying I Love You. Write the names of the people in your life for whom you have felt love in the last year. How and when might you express this love to them ahead of the new year?
Question 7: Saying Goodbye. What or who do you want to say goodbye to based on your life in the last year? What or who would you like to let go from the past year?
Once you have completed your ethical will, you may wish to share it during a milestone birthday celebration like the Wisdom Seder.
Testament of Counsel (Av/Em Eitza), created by Rabbi Paul Citrin, Main Line Reform Temple Elohim, PA
The synagogue would create an adult learning opportunity shared by a group of active older adults that would culminate in a group celebration.
An individual achieves Av/Em Eitza status by writing a [Testament of Counsel] …which addresses the important lessons he or she has learned in life—insights on human relationships, coping with hardship, and finding fulfillment—and the message one has tried to convey through life…Those who wish to become an Av/Em Eitza would study together (for 12 sessions) …with Ecclesiastes [as a starting point].
Excerpted from Paul Citrin’s chapter "A Testament to Growing Older: The Av/Am Eitza Program" in A Heart of Wisdom, ed. Susan Berrin.
Wise Aging Group
Other learning opportunities would be to establish a Wise Aging Group, using the book Wise Aging by Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal (Behrman House, 2015).
showing
1-6
of
73
Page
1
of
13
