During the 4th step of the seder, Yachatz, we break the middle matzah and place half of it in a bag and hide it away for later. One idea behind this practice is that we are acting as though we are someone who does not know where their next meal is coming from, and who would therefore save some food for later. The piece of matzah that is hidden is known as the Afikomen, which is eaten at the end of the meal, and is considered dessert. 

For those of us on a fertility journey, we may want to unpack this practice of saving something for later from another perspective. While focusing on building a family there might be parts of ourselves that we place on hold and save for later. This is not something that we do consciously, but rather a natural reaction to the intensity in which we may be focusing on trying to have a baby and the way in which those efforts can sometimes change us. 

Perhaps during your fertility journey, you have set aside the extroverted and social side of yourself. Perhaps you have let go of your more athletic side as your body undergoes fertility treatments. Maybe you have set aside your optimistic side, as you tried to manage your expectations with each passing cycle. Or, perhaps you have set aside the part of you that is able to truly relax and have fun during this tense and sometimes emotionally jarring experience.

During the Magid section of the Seder we find a famous Jewish song: Dayeinu. Dayeinu means “it would have been enough for us.”  A common understanding of this song is that it expresses the Jewish people’s appreciation for every step in the journey from slavery to freedom, and after each step it would have been enough to praise God and say thank you for that piece of the puzzle towards freedom.  

However, perhaps for those of us on a fertility journey, there is an alternative way to read that word “Dayeinu.”  Perhaps it is just an honest and raw expression of the frustration and disappointment this journey often brings—Enough already! 

Enough waiting, enough loss, enough doubt, enough questions from others, enough isolation.   Enough is enough. 

Have everyone pass around a cup (such as a kiddush cup) that the parents will drink from, each symbolically putting in wisdom and blessings for the parent(s)-to-be. Once the cup is blessed by everyone, it returns to the parents for drinking down the sweet and delicious blessings. (via Kohenet Annie Matan)

Sarah Chandler is a Brooklyn-based educator, artist, activist, poet, and Hebrew priestess who has officiated blessing and naming ceremonies for NICU babies, babies born to a surrogate, and at a circumcision. Here are her suggestions for holding a Jewish naming ceremony for a child who is not able to come home right away:

Gather friends and family in the hospital chapel or at a nearby home or synagogue. This way, the parents, grandparents, or other relatives from out of town, if appropriate, have the opportunity to visit the baby before or after the ceremony.

If your NICU allows it, hold a small ceremony in the hospital with a few people surrounding your baby.

Wherever you hold your ceremony, with or without the baby, you may want to include a ritual object that will later welcome the baby home and play a role in their lives. Frame a photo of the baby to use in a non-hospital ceremony, or highlight an object like a stuffed toy or blanket that the baby will eventually use. Pass the object around at the ceremony, giving guests the opportunity to bless it.

How might you incorporate the elements?

• Earth - 
• Air - 
• Fire - 
• Water - 

The Zohar associates the four elements with four angels, four of the sefirot (the mystical spheres or faces of God), and the four matriarchs and patriarchs:

Water Fire Air Earth

Michael Gabriel Uriel Raphael

South North East West

Love Strength Balance Shekhinah

Sarah Rebekah Leah Rachel

Abraham Isaac Jacob David

Silver Gold Bronze Iron

See this blog post and this piece by Jill Hammer for more correspondences.

This Passover ritual focuses on the four cups of wine and their expressions of freedom. Fertility journeys are often bereft of freedom, as the struggle to build your family, may leave you feeling stuck.  This ritual invites you to explore what freedom feels like through reflection and the creation of a vision board.  You will need 4 blank pieces of paper, tape or glue, scissors, pens or markers, and a few magazines. You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful setting that is free from distractions, and you may want to have soothing music alongside you.   

Take your four pieces of paper and write one of each of these expressions of freedom on the top of the page.  You may choose to do this in whichever language you prefer.  Design a vision board full of images that you may choose to cut out from the magazines, or that you may draw yourself.  You can also write, paste objects on your vision board, or add to them in any way that speaks to you.  

Here are the prompts for each board/piece of paper:

1. וְהֽוֹצֵאתִ֣י Ve’hotzeiti: And I brought you out: You may have been in some very unpleasant places or challenging situations during your journey.  Think of a place that you associate with peacefulness and freedom.  Create an image of this beautiful place on your page. 
2. וְהִצַּלְתִּ֥י Ve’hitzalti: And I saved you:  There may have been times during your journey when you felt unsafe emotionally, or perhaps in other ways as well.  Create an image that represents a place that you associate with feeling fully safe.  This place may be real or imagined. 
3. וְגָֽאַלְתִּ֤י Ve’gaalti: And I redeemed you: One way of understanding redemption is that it is a transformation in which a person becomes a new version of themselves.  I invite you to consider: what does the best version of yourself look like?  What do you do?  How do you show up in the world?  Create an image on this board that reflects this best version of yourself.  
4. וְלָֽקַחְתִּ֨י Ve’lakachti: And I took you: This expression invites you to consider where it is you would like to go.  What does your Promised Land look like?  Create on this page an image of your ideal life and your dream. 

As you are creating these images you may want to put on some nourishing music and possibly even sip some grape juice or wine.

You may want to bring these four boards to a Passover Seder and place them on the table or hang them somewhere in the room.  If you find that they offer you healing and inspiration, then please place them somewhere strategic and use them after Pesach as well.  You may want to place them by your bed so you see them as you fall asleep and as you wake up. Maybe they live in your car and accompany you on your travels.  Or perhaps you may want to hang them on your wall or place them where you place other family photos.  

If you find yourself at a Passover Seder where you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to share one of these pages during each of the four cups of wine/grape juice.